


Time Cannot Erase

by Pennstram



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Ghost Merlin (Merlin), Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Optional happy(?) ending, Referenced murder, ghosts and hauntings, tavernfest round 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:21:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26957266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pennstram/pseuds/Pennstram
Summary: There was a soft ticking from the hall clock that Arthur often found himself focusing on. Matching his breathing to the steady tick tick ticks. It was calming and grounding in a way he often wasn’t anymore. It’s an obnoxiously ornate thing with little blue butterflies all over the face of it. It had been the first thing hung in their apartment. And he knew it’d be the last thing they’d remove.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 44
Collections: Tavernfest Round 1: Ghosts and Hauntings





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just- taking the whole 'ghost' and 'haunted' theme and unloading a whole mess of baggage on these boys. Again, this is a lot of emotional haunting but ey-- chapter two they're technically ghosts? I couldn't bring myself to keep this having only a sad ending so I made an optional ending as well. You can read only the first or both. (Hence both H/no C and H/C tags)
> 
> I have one more fic in the works for round 1 for tavernfest-- that isn't based on super angst! I hope y'all don't get tired of me posting. |D then I promise I'll get back to work on PD's I know it's been almost a month since I last updated oops

There was a soft ticking from the hall clock that Arthur often found himself focusing on. Matching his breathing to the steady tick tick ticks. It was calming and grounding in a way he often wasn’t anymore. It’s an obnoxiously ornate thing with little blue butterflies all over the face of it. It had been the first thing hung in their apartment. And he knew it’d be the last thing they’d remove. 

Darkness had overtaken the empty room by now, he didn’t bother turning the lamp on. It wouldn’t matter, the scene would be the same as it is in the daylight. Cold. Empty. Lonely. It’d be the same in the morning. 

One drink, let them slide down his throat. Easy. Arthur pressed the bottle of whiskey to his lips with a shaky exhale. Tick, breathe in, tick, breathe out. In. Out. He choked on the next inhale and the bottle crashed onto the glass tabletop. That’s alright. He never really liked the taste anyway. Amber liquid spread out over the surface. Dark pools of blood flooded his vision and he couldn’t do it anymore. 

Tears burned his eyes but he couldn’t let them fall. Wouldn’t. Arthur pressed the heels of his palms against his eyelids roughly to shove the image away. He would do this without breaking down. He would. He had to. Behind him the clock continued its steady rhythm. Leaning forward he folded in on himself far enough to rest his head between his knees. Cold settling in his fingertips told him he couldn’t. 

He had to get a hold of himself though. He had to— but he couldn’t. Each breath was harsh in the silent room as he slowly looked up, eyes falling on his abandoned cell. There would be missed calls. Missed calls and messages and probably at least one voicemail from a distraught Morgana. They’d all be asking the same thing. They’d all be giving him their _thoughts_ and _prayers_. They’d be giving him the sympathy he’d needed every day. The sympathy he didn’t want today. The sympathy he couldn’t accept anymore. 

_How are you doing? Are you okay?_

How was he to answer that? How was he to tell them all that still, after three years it felt like ice shards settled in his stomach? That the black hole in his chest hasn’t healed? Despite hundreds of hours of therapy he still felt the absence like a weight smothering him. After three years he still ached. 

That even though he lived and breathed, he’d died that night?

The phone was held in a trembling hand before he really thought about it. Thumbed open quickly so the lock screen image couldn’t look back at him. So he wouldn’t see those ocean eyes. He didn’t open the messages. Didn’t look at the missed call logs. Didn’t listen to his sister’s voicemail. She’d understand. They all would. It’d hurt— but it’d be nothing like what he’s been living in. 

He hoped she’d keep the letters he wrote. 

Instead he opened the phone app. Instead he pressed on the number 1 and held his thumb there. The buzzing on the line was broken by a soft song coming to life from the next room. Tucked away safely in the bedside drawer. Arthur had to stifle a sob with his knuckles as the words filtered through. So soft and gentle. ‘Can you feel this magic in the air-‘

The second the song stopped Arthur was shaking all over. Tears streamed down his face and soaked his shirt collar and he couldn’t breathe and then— A soft breathy laugh. **“This is Merlin! Sorry I can’t come to the phone right now if you leave a message I’ll get back to you as soon as I can! Oh! Arthur if this is you, your keys are probably on the side table! Love you! Ta!”** There was silence then a soft beep. 

His phone slipped through his fingers and hit the floor with a soft thump. He was openly sobbing now. Harsh wails echoing through the empty apartment. ‘Love you!’ Arthur’s arms wrapped around his middle as he folded himself over and cried. It hurt. The pain in his chest and stomach and heart. The beep told him the voicemail had timed out at his feet. 

The screen locked and Merlin’s happy grin stared up at him. Arthur clenched his eyes shut against the image. There was a rushing in his ears that he couldn’t drown out. A numbness settling in his limbs. A lump in his throat no amount of crying could dislodge. The soft tick tick tick finally broke through. He tried to follow. Tried to make it work even through the hiccups. 

Three years meant nothing when they were supposed to have had forever. Three years without him felt like an empty eternity.

He shouldn’t have been home that night. He should have been at Gwen’s. He should never have been home then so he could’ve been home now. The number was recalled without Arthur ever realizing he’d picked up the cell again. 

‘It must’ve been the way you kissed me-‘

Arthur should never have had to come home to find his apartment broken into. He should’ve never had to come home to find everything destroyed. He should never have had to find his fiancé face down in a dark pool of blood. He should never have had to bury the man he’d promised forever to. 

**“This is Merlin!”**

Bile rose in the back of his throat and Arthur knew he’d be sick. His vision was getting fuzzy around the edges. It wouldn’t be long. **“Arthur if this is you, your keys are probably on the side table! Love you!”** He curled up on his side on the old couch. The small red and blue pillow he’d made out of Merlin’s old scarves pressed to his cheek. 

He stomach churned at the ‘Love you!’ That. That’s what he needed to hear. To take with him if nothing else. Merlin’s beautiful voice saying such beautiful words. He let his eyes fall closed, the lids finally too heavy to keep open. 

Somewhere in the dark hallway the steady tick tick tick went on. 

**“Ta!”**


	2. Chapter 2

“You shouldn’t have done that.” Arthur’s eyes snapped open at the sudden voice. Only to promptly close again a second later against the bright light. There was a soft chuckle and he felt his breath catch. A gentle hand was pressed against his cheek, a touch he’d know anywhere. 

His mouth fell open with a soft exhale as he slowly opened his eyes again. Light spots danced in his vision but he couldn’t bring himself to care. The light had filtered down to a fire crackling away in a fireplace to his right, casting the room in a warm glow. The orange light danced across sharp cheekbones while full lips pulled in an easy smile. 

Ocean eyes reflected sunsets. 

“Merlin.” He breathed, lifting one hand to trace along the side of his face. The other only closed his eyes contentedly and leaned into the touch. “Fuck. _Mer_ lin.” Arthur had him tucked in his arms in the next moment. His nose pressed hard against the side of his head. Inhaling the sweet smell of lavender and mint and sunshine. 

“You still shouldn’t have done that.” Merlin murmured into Arthur’s neck. His arms tightened around Arthur’s waist instinctively and the blond melted with the familiarity. Finally. After so long he was there. Back where he belonged, tucked up against Arthur’s side. “What will happen with Morgana? Gwen? Mum— oh god, Arthur!”

Merlin pulled away sharply to gaze at him in horror. “What will Mum do?” Arthur only let himself feel guilty for a fraction of a second before he closed his eyes and sighed. 

“Hunith will understand… she-- fuck, Merlin, I’m pretty sure she was surprised I’d made it three years without you when I went to see her today.” He bit his lip as her sad resigned face flashed in his mind’s eye. As he remembered the extra tight way she’d hugged him when he left. The soft press of her lips to his temple and gentle ‘I love you, son’ after her goodbye. 

No. Hunith would understand. She’ll be hurting like the rest of them, but she’d understand. She understood the second he showed up at her house disheveled with the small scrapbook Merlin had poured his heart and soul into making. She understood that would be the last time she’d see him. “Your mother is a strong woman, Merlin. Stronger than I ever was.” 

Arms were wrapped around him again and Merlin’s warmth washed over him to settle in his bones. “And Morgana?” The question was pressed into his shoulder where Merlin had buried his face. Arthur thought about that for a moment. He should have returned her call. Should have gone to her in person. He knew Merlin would be disappointed in him.

Clearing his throat he settled on, “She knew what I was planning.” With the words in the open he realised just how true they rang. She’d been the one to comfort him in the early morning, hours before dawn. She’d been the one to wipe away his tears and make him eat and shower. She’d been the one to read his letters. Letters he’d written to himself. To Merlin. To everyone. 

She’d been the one that made a point to tell him she was proud of him every time they parted. To tell him she’ll always love him, no matter what. Morgana was the first one to tell him it was okay, to not be okay. That he was allowed to feel the loss. That he was allowed to be selfish. 

“Morgana knew I was going to kill myself before I did.” He whispered, stomach tightening at the revelation. Merlin let his hands drift up to rest against his cheeks, thumbs brushing down to the corners of his mouth and back up. He had his bottom lip caught between his teeth and there was turmoil in his eyes but he only nodded. 

Pressing his forehead against Arthur’s Merlin let his expression go soft. “I watched you, you know?” A small noise of confusion came from the back of Arthur’s throat as his brows drew together. Merlin shook his head slightly with a huff of laughter, not unlike that on his voicemail. “It’s weird, being dead, I could go anywhere. Do anything. Yet I stayed with you. Everyday I was with you, Arthur. Everyday I watched you wake up, put on a brave face and go about your day.”

Arthur tightened his grip on Merlin’s waist. Everyday. “I watched you go through the motions. I watched the spark fade away. I watched you blame yourself for what happened to me. I watched you torture yourself with that godforsaken voicemail.” He didn’t realise he’d looked away until Merlin forced him to turn his head back to meet his steady gaze. “I watched you cry yourself to sleep every night and it killed me again and again because I knew. I knew I couldn’t do anything to help you. To take the hurt away.”

He pressed a light kiss to the corner of Arthur’s mouth then, as if he thought that would’ve been enough. And if he was finally being honest it really really was. “I read every word you wrote. I heard every confession, every curse, every plea. I loved you through it all, even if you couldn’t see me, or hear me or feel me. And I’ll continue to love you through it all.”

Neither was sure who moved first but it didn’t matter. They were together again, they were able to hold and touch and laugh and _love_. He felt Merlin’s curling smile against his lips before his arms moved around his neck and pulled him in closer, effectively deepening the kiss. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing except the suddenly whole feeling in his chest. Nothing except the warm weight pressing against him, of the elegant fingers playing with the hair at his nape. Of Merlin laughing breathlessly as he moved to kiss down his jaw and neck. 

They were Arthur and Merlin again. They had forever again, and this time when the word was breathed into Merlin’s skin, Arthur meant it. Forever. Nothing else mattered.


End file.
